


Worth The Risk

by keiseokjin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, M/M, luren, prompt, slight mention of NoMin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 07:53:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18464695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keiseokjin/pseuds/keiseokjin
Summary: “So that’s it? Am I not worth the risk?” Renjun’s eyes are glassy and Lucas really, really hates himself for making him feel this way.





	Worth The Risk

“So that’s it? Am I not worth the risk?” Renjun’s eyes are glassy and Lucas really, really hates himself for making him feel this way.

 

“The opposite. You’re too big of a risk to take. You’re the most important person in my life. I have so much to lose. I can’t lose you.” Lucas breathes out desperately. His elbows are digging through his thighs as he hangs his head low. His eyes try burning a hole through the carpet.

 

“Why do you seem so sure that you’ll lose me?” Renjun’s voice is small. He’s heard this phrase about a dozen times from his best friend and it’s scaring him because with every passing minute, he feels as though he’s starting to lose Yukhei too.

 

“Because that’s what always happens.” Lucas grimaces. “It’s either I leave or I get left, Injun. You don’t think I’ve tried? People always talk about how I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months; how I go out or come home with different people everyday. I don’t just want sex all the time. I want cuddles and hand-holding and surprises, too. I look at Jeno and Jaemin and call them disgusting, but sometimes I wonder what that would feel like. Something so raw and genuine. Someone to come home to at night and cook with. You know, domestic shit.”

 

Renjun knows, as if he hasn’t enjoyed silly, experimental cooking with Lucas in either his or Lucas’ apartment. Renjun knows because he hates himself for liking movie nights too much because that meant he gets to cuddle with his best friend. His best friend whom he shouldn’t have feelings for, but his heart is a traitor and he does so anyway. Renjun stays silent but continues to listen to Lucas.

 

“I’ll go out with people, get to know them and think ‘there’s something going on here’ and then I lose that ‘something’. I get bored. I detach myself. I fall out of love, if that’s how you want to put it. I know how it feels because I’ve gone through it so many times. I don’t enjoy breaking up with people. It’s not a fucking hobby. It’s so sad how I can look at someone and feel so strongly about them one day and then feel nothing in the next. I don’t want that to happen with you. I’m a mess and I’m not worth the hassle, Junnie.”

 

Lucas looks deep into Renjun’s eyes, hoping the younger understands how he’s just pushing him away to protect his best friend’s heart. For years, Lucas tried to deny it but he loved Renjun. In the end, it has always been Renjun. Partially, the reason why he couldn’t keep a steady relationship was because all his other exes lacked Renjun-ness. Renjun blinks and Lucas remembers they were stuck in this staring game and the beauty sitting in front of him hasn’t said anything. Lucas’ eyes stung and he wanted to scream because of the silence. Only he couldn’t because Renjun suddenly moves to hug him. Lucas hugs back, of course, not realizing how much he needed Renjun’s warmth all over him. Worry replaces the warmth though as he feels Renjun’s body vibrate and Lucas realizes that the younger was full-on sobbing. He was too shocked to let his own tears fall.

 

“You’re such an idiot, Wong Yukhei. An idiot, I tell you.” Renjun chokes on his sobs.

 

“You could do that with me. Come home to me. Hold my hand. Just me and no one else.” Renjun faces Lucas, wiping his tears with his sweater sleeve before continuing. “You’re doing this because you want to protect me? No, Lucas. Talk to me, don’t push me away. You’re just going to lose me, us, this, faster because of that.”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Renjun.” Lucas takes Renjun’s hand and gives it a squeeze.

 

“I get hurt everytime I see you with someone else, Xuxi. You used to talk to me about whoever you were dating and it felt like punches to the stomach. I think I can handle a little bit of pain.” Renjun chuckles, smiling to himself as he interlocks their hands together.

 

“I’m serious, Jun. I’m so scared. I’m scared that things will change. I don’t know what will happen to us when we break u—“

 

“If, Xuxi. You don’t know things for sure.” Renjun looks straight into Lucas’ eyes, pleading. Lucas felt a hot tear run down his face. “I’m scared, too. But things have already changed between us, Xuxi. The moment we came up to your apartment, sat on this couch right here and decided to talk about whatever this thing between us is. There’s no going back now.“

 

Lucas wasn’t even aware that he was holding his own breath. He feels... relief? 

 

“Honestly, what scares me more is if we don’t get together after this. I’ve told you again and again, I’m always going to choose you.” Renjun doesn’t help Lucas’ erratically-beating heart when he brushes a lock of the elder’s hair away from his forehead. “You can tell me that I can find someone better and I’ll tell you you’re right. But I don’t want that. The only heartbeat I want to listen to while I’m enveloped in a hug is yours. The only crusty, swollen, beautiful face I want to wake up next to is yours.”

 

They both chuckle. The tension dies down a bit. Their hands are still intertwined.

 

“We break up or we don’t break up.” Renjun’s eyes begin to water and Lucas inhales sharply at the mention of it. The younger gives him a reassuring smile. “I know I’m not gonna regret any of this. I know I’ll be happy with you, Xuxi. It doesn’t matter how much time the Universe provides us. I’ll be happy knowing I got to experience being loved by you— being someone you cared deeply about. We’ll stay friends nonetheless, you know that right? Our families are tight so we kinda have no choice.”

 

Renjun chuckles bitterly and offers a smile. He uses his knuckles to gently swat at Lucas’ cheek to make him smile too. They look at each other with soft, hurt eyes.

 

“But seriously, I very much would like us to not break up, Xuxi.” Renjun clears his throat and looks at his hand laced through Yukhei’s. His eyes flutter up to the elder’s once again and Lucas is so close, he could count Renjun’s long lashes. “If ever you decide to be with me. I’ve told you what I wanted, and now it’s up to you. I’ll respect your decision and we’ll both make an effort to remain friends and forget this happened.”

 

Lucas frowns.

 

“You have my word, Xuxi. I want you to take your time but I’m not leaving tonight without an answer. This has dragged on for too long so we really need to settle this before we hurt each other more.”

 

“You’re right. I don’t want us to hurt each other anymore.” Lucas answers after a few moments. He fixes his posture and moves around his seat, his hands tearing away from Renjun’s at the sudden movement. His hands automatically miss the sensation. “You make me so happy, Huang Renjun.”

 

Renjun smiles and Lucas melts. But he continues talking. Renjun was so mature and patient and understanding. And he was right. They need to settle this tonight. 

 

“You make me so happy and that’s what scared me. Someone having that much power over me. I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I lose you, the only person capable of brightening up crappy days for me. The person who feels like home. Who makes me want to become a better person. Who makes me believe that I deserve good things because you are, Renjun. You’re so good and I don’t think I’ll ever be worthy of capturing your heart.”

 

“You do deserve good things, Xuxi. Even if I’m out of the equation. You’re a good person. I hope you give credit to yourself more.” Renjun assures Lucas.

 

Lucas takes Renjun’s hands in his and looks straight at him. “We’ll never know what the future holds but if it means getting to take care of you, hearing you sing, watching you work on your paintings, watching Moomin at 2am with you— then I’ve already won. I can’t believe I was ready to break my own heart, and yours, because I thought keeping you away from me would shield you from pain. I didn’t know what it was that I wanted to hear you say, but being with you right now, made me realize how I would never forgive myself if I let you go. I want to give this a try, too, Injun.”

 

Renjun breaks into the biggest smile and hugs Lucas tightly. They stay like that for a while until Renjun breaks away to cup Lucas’ face in his tiny hands.

 

“I love you, Wong Yukhei.”

 

Lucas grins into the touch. He takes Renjun’s right hand and presses a reassuring kiss into it. “And I love you, Huang Renjun.”

 

The dim lights make Renjun’s soft features look like art, inviting to be looked at and approached, but no one truly was worthy of touching. Tonight, Renjun has given Lucas permission. They share a kiss; short but soft and sweet. Renjun presses himself onto Lucas’ chest, face nuzzling the elder’s neck as he breathed out, “My Xuxi.”

 

Lucas has never felt this safe before. He might not think he’s worth the hassle, but Renjun is and always will be.

**Author's Note:**

> [waiting for lucas, hendery and yangyang’s rainbow showcase]
> 
> very few luren au/fics so i decided to write one; did this in 30 minutes so forgive me if it seems too rushed :(
> 
> asked my friend to give me a writing prompt and she said: “am i not worth the risk?”
> 
> comments (and kudos!) are very much welcome as well as requests, thank you!!!!!


End file.
